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1995-08-20
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From trekman@netcom.com Sun Apr 17 23:21:45 1994
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From: Gabriel Caffrey <trekman@netcom.com>
To: "Joseph F. Young" <jfy@mailhost.cis.ksu.edu>
Subject: Top Ten Star Trek Lists
Date: Sun, 17 Apr 1994 21:21:41 -0700 (PDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek Top Ten Lists:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy
10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations
9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial
7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time
5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die
4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon
3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders
2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure
1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no
adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more
growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields
are collapsing"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter.
When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of
the
Next Generation
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
-------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN WAYS TO SHUT UP NON TREK GIRLFRIEND WITHOUT KILLING HER:
10. Tell her "Your ears canna stan the strain!"
9. Vulcan Neck Pinch
8. Have an Android made of her then when she
starts speaking tell her to "Shut Up!"
(See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode")
7. Wave Phaser in her face and tell her
you will stun her with it.
6. Use transporter to split her into two seperate
personalities. Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep
Good Girlfriend.
(See, "The Enemy Within" - TOS episode)
5. Tell her your watching the episode
where Picard gets naked.
4. Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver
3. Try, "Computer - End Program"
2. Tell her she's in violation of the
Prime Directive and she is interfering with
a lesser developed civilization.
1. Borg her.
> The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
>
> 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
> Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
>
> 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
>
> 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
> Enterprise.
>
> 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
> and torture you for information.
>
> 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
> crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
>
> 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
> of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
>
> 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
> that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
>
> 3) You have no life.
>
> 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
>
> 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
> calculated for the planet Vulcan.
>
>
> TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
> - ---------------------------------------------------------
> 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
> 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
> 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
> 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
> 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
> 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
> 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
> 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
> 2. "We brake for cubes!"
> 1. "Wesley On Board!"
>
>
> Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
> "Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
>
> TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD
>
> 20. Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
> 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
> 18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
> 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
> 16. Scare blind students in Braille class
> 15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
> 14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
> 13. Footstool for Captain's chair
> 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
> 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
> 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
> 9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
> 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in
> research
> 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
> 6. Two words: tether ball
> 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
> 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
> 3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
> 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
> 1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life
> insurance policy
>
>
> SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
>
> 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
> 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
> and tritanium.
> 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
> excessive thought first
> 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
> 5. Have figured out the stardate system
> 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
> 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
> 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
> 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The
> Omega Glory"
> 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
> 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
> 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
> 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
> Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
> 14. Understanding Klingon
> 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
> 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
> 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
> dramatic stylistics
> 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
> sequences in ST:TMP
> 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
> 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
>
>
> **20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**
>
> 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
> encountered several times before.
>
> 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
> are all perfectly alright.
>
> 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
>
> 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
> later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny
> hat.
>
> 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
> which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
> sick-bay.
>
> 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
> people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
> Directive.
>
> 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
> another without a serious incident.
>
> 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
> the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
> bring the right leads.
>
> 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
> faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
> staff.
>
> 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
> which does not put them on trial.
>
> 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
> which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
>
> 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
> everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
> revealed to be exactly what it seems.
>
> 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
> fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
> everyone's satisfaction.
>
> 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
> is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
>
> 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
> and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
>
> 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
> obvious.
>
> 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
> themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
> Wesley Crusher.
>
> 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
> git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
> for a change.
>
> 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
> being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
> sentences that anyone says to him.
>
> 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
>
>
> The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
> - -----------------------------------------------------------------
> 10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
> forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
> 9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
> a shuttlecraft
> 8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
> 7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
> 6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
> life-forms
> 5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
> Dick Hertz is there
> 4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
> REAL Picard Maneuver"
> 3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
> Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
> 2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it
so"
> 1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
> beams back up
AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE (which is my own brainchild, thank you very much) ;-)
> TOP TEN QUESTIONS NOT TO POST ON STREK-L
>
> (10) What does NCC stand for?
> (9) How come Chekov could recognize Khan in Star Trek II?
> (8) GET A LIFE!!!
> (7) Have you seen how fat <Character X> is getting?
> (6) Does William Shatner wear a toupee?
> (5) What do you guys think about homosexuality in Trek?
> (4) What's O'Brien's rank?
> (3) Hey guys, let's stop flaming each other.
> (2) Don't you think <Character X> has a great <sexual characteristic X>?
> (1) subscribe strek-l. Can you guys help me get logged on?
_____..---======+*+=======---.._____
___________________ __,-='=====____ ============== _____=====`=
(.__________________I__) - _-=_/ `------=+=-------'
/ /__...---==='---+---_' Gabriel Caffrey
'----'---.___ - _ = _.-' trekman@netcom.com
`-------'
"Fate protects fools, little children, and ships named Enterprise."
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER